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Surprising endorsements coming from the future

March 16, 2012
Shepherdstown Chronicle

Just for the record, the contents of this article are deliberately misleading and contain half-truths, tall-tales and absolutely no fact-checking. In that way, it has been held up to the same high level of quality control that campaign ads and political rhetoric go through. Remember, as long as you really, truly seem to believe it's the truth, you can get away with almost anything. However, if I offend anyone, I can always fall back on the age-old politician's 'Get out of Jail Free' cards, which are, of course, overly narrow semantics and the phony apology. If I'm caught making something work, I'll first insist that my words were taken out of context. If that doesn't placate anyone, I'll deliver a heartfelt, perhaps even tearful, phony apology.

Such things go a little bit like this: "I'm heartily sorry if what I said offended anyone. It was never my intention to offend anyone, even though I understand that my words may have been offensive, in which case I am sorry if they offended anyone."

Notice how the "if" changes the entire meaning of the apology. By implication, I'm only saying sorry to the people who are mad at me. I don't even really feel bad about it, but I'd like to seem as if I do.

That being said, let's begin with the article, shall we?

Following the news that Bob Ritchie, aka Kid Rock, is endorsing Mitt Romney's bid for the Republican party's nomination for president-thereby securing the all-important hard drinking, bud-smoking, stone cold pimp of the nation vote that the Republican Party loves so much-a veritable menagerie of different celebrities have come out in support of their favorite candidates.

The flavor of vanilla, somehow anthropomorphized, has decided to lend its support to Mitt Romney as well. As to why plain, undynamic and slightly boring vanilla is backing the almost unstoppably charismatic Mitt Romney remains a mystery.

Surprisingly enough, folk rock superstar Bob Dylan made a public announcement at a concert recently wherein he stated categorically that he is backing a Republican for the nomination. The name of the man he is backing, however, is unknown at this time due to Mr. Dylan's words being completely unintelligible. After repeated listening, a definite "R" sound, but no one has been able to emerge to determine who the errant "R" belongs or where in a name it should go. Analysts and code breakers from the Pentagon are working around the clock to crack Mr. Dylan's impenetrable utterances. On a side note, even though no one understands what he's saying, music critics have declared Mr. Dylan's statement to be an instant classic-it is on sale at the iTunes store now.

In a somewhat shocking turn of events, Donald Trump has agreed to throw his considerable wealth and influence behind someone: himself. Mr. Trump is not running for office, but he would still like to take this opportunity-and every other opportunity as well-to promote himself. "This season's Celebrity Apprentice is going to be simply UGE," Mr. Trump is quoted as saying. Rescuers are hard at work trying to find the "H" that went missing when Mr. Trump tried to say "huge."

Noted psychic John Edward has said that he can tell with 98% certainty that the Republican nominee will be a white male, middle aged or older, who will claim humility and humbleness. "Apparently," said Edwards, "these guys seem to think the American people don't know that it is actually a requirement to lack both humility and humbleness in order to become a politician." Edward also said that the spirits are a little hazy as to more specific details, but he says he will definitely know who the nominee is by November of this year.

Noted Doctor Ron Paul of Texas has lent his support to Congressman Ron Paul, also of Texas. With this addition, the number of Ron Paul supporters now stands at 1.

Rich Uncle Pennybags, the mustachioed, multimillionaire mascot of the board game Monopoly has endorsed Newt Gingrich. Pennybags said that both he and Mr. Gingrich "share the joys of making and hoarding as much money as possible and the sorrows of having to pay the poor tax."

Rick Santorum has received the support of the International Association of Selective Biblical Interpreters. "This man," their leader said, "has done more to selectively interpret the Bible this year alone than the majority of people do in their entire lives."

And finally, another group of people have voiced their support or dissatisfaction with both the potential Republican nominees and the incumbent, President Barack Obama. This group of people is one that does not have any big time Washington supporters and neither party is really interested in them in the slightest.

This group is the vast majority of American people, and their opinions will be therefore be discarded by both parties.

 
 

 

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